Time of Durga Puja

Yesterday I was booming with ideas and I was looking for an ear that
could lend itself and hear me out, may be also feel as excited as I was
feeling. Well as soon as I was home I started talking about things I
have planned for the collage and about converting my studio walls into a
"Memory Lane". How we can use some old wooden boards and use them as
name plates for the rooms. How about getting a rusty board saying Rasoi
with an arrow on it. Won't it be fun-I could feel how un-interested my
audiences were, so finally I spoke out loud how much I would have
appreciated if he could show little enthusiasm.
Well the feedback that followed was, you always talk about things and
then it fades. Earlier last month you started with a wall which is still
sitting as it is. Is aid "because I couldn't get what I needed to put it
together.
- Well then, go get it!
- I got my answer.
Guess it was too much to expect that everybody can feel enthusiastic
about things you get excited about. After all there are things I do not
even pay attention to while people die for it. Durga puja is starting
next week, its one time of year when I get badly home sick. All that
noise, shopping and Ma's chanting, smell of smoke, meeting people- I
wonder how long those will linger into my memories. They have started
fading already. I will be doing Kanya puja as I do every year just like
my mom used to do, I have seen since I remember. I will go to Durga
Mandir though I can not fast 10 days due to my pregnancy this year- I
will do Puja everyday. I do everything I can manage to and miserably
fail to create the essence of Durga puja because it's the people who are
not the same and can not be. There is no Pujo'r Chuti and no shopping
for Puja Season. Oh its unbelievable how it used to swept the city of
Calcutta with wave of enthusiasm for the Puja season. Everything and
everywhere you see has the color and aroma of Puja.
Oceans apart - I miss home. I was talking about it and somebody said
"Oh it's just because you are pregnant". I do not agree. Well people
think I like to disagree with their opinion for the sake of it, how to I
explain myself. I dreamt I am buying some dresses in India, sitting in
one of those stores, no I have not seen any Hindi movie not even read a
book about it and I dreamt of it. Also I saw myself traveling in train
and noticing how the name of station start appearing in Bengali , Hindi
and English when we used to enter the boarder of Bengal from Hindi ,
Urdu and English within Bihar. I felt like craving for that diverse
feeling. The jhal-mudhi in the train, no matter how much I try, how many
ingredients I gather- I can not re-create Raju'r Phuchka across the
street from my residence in Calcutta.
Well well, I know I will grow out of these as I did from everything
else. My kids won't ever be a part of it, but I wish they were. That was
some experience I wish they could have. What a wonderful place it is.
How amazing it is to celebrate with family, Holi-Diwali-Dussehra, drop
in to see people, informal parties and learning while growing among
people who share the roots with you.
I called my parents yesterday; because I was feeling this way instead I
hung up after sharing stupid details about the weather and daily
routine. Feeling heavy I walked back to my desk , a feeling that I have
felt so many times before. Though people think I talk a lot, I fail to
express myself the way I wish to and I wish they would understand that.
I will try.
I miss home.